The Year of the Shadow
I had no text, but I had a title, swirling through my mind for the better half of December. I still struggle with the text, as it does not flow as easily as in other years. But it is what it is, as this year has been.
I had the Shift, then the Settling, then the Salve and then the Self.
But the Self was incomplete without a Shadow. Like in paintings, it adds depth and mystery and intrigue. Some would say a shadow mars the beauty of well-lit landscapes. I think it cools and offers pockets of peace and respite from too much of a good thing.
2021 passed fast at an excruciating slow pace.
I wrote less this year, like the words rejected me for my own sake. Telling me to slow down, to stop for a while, rest in the shade, give myself time to match the hardware to the software, because the former might just start to fail. Which it did.
But firstly, I was noticing last year that I have changed, caring less about external validation and wearing fewer masks. I have consolidated that trend, this has been genuinely the year of IDGAF. And of letting go.
“Possessing by letting go of things was a secret of ownership unknown to youth.”
Maybe I am just getting old, and the transformation is as natural as the butterflies that have returned to my garden after a long while. In his biography of Yukio Mishima (to whom the above quote is attributed), Henry Scott Stokes mentions that Mishima used a pen name. And that “pen name became a narcissistic shadow of the real man, something like Hong Kong flowers. Hong King flowers were the cheap plastic flowers which used to flood in Japan, much as Japanese goods flooded American, and were regarded as imitations — as “shadows” of the real thing.”
My virtual self, my digital twin, used so much more this year, feels like this. Like a Hong Kong flower, like a shadow of the real me.
This year in which my world got small, had the right amount of shadows to make it interesting. And to make me a bit more awesome (and, obviously, a little less modest).
- Almost no travel. Met with friends in Rasnov and spent some time on the beach. Did not leave the country. And it shows…
- Books and music and movies. Less reading, more music, more Netflix. I have been for the better half of the year on an Asian binge. As noticeable by the considerable number of times I have mentioned Yukio Mishima. Ocean Vuong mentioned that Asian characters are not just a means for the plot, that they have stories before and after the plot of the novel / movie / text / whatever. And yes, this characteristic gives them depth. Like a shadow.
- Shoes. This was the year of Loubs and Fujiwara-designed sneakers. Too many sneakers, but I guess the shift to letting go of other people’s expectations of me led me towards sneakers. And penguin onesies. And wearing heels (and falling off them) three times during an entire year.
- My friends — a few meetings, lots of chats, lots of laughter and an immense amount of support.
- Projects: closing some projects, with gut-wrenching slowness, failing some bids (and for the better). But I have learned a lot.
“What transforms this world is — knowledge. Do you see what I mean? Nothing else can change anything in this world. Knowledge alone is capable of transforming the world, while at the same time leaving it exactly as it is. When you look at the world with knowledge, you realize that things are unchangeable and at the same time are constantly being transformed.”
- My students: Another year in being away from direct interaction, but I am still incredibly proud of them and grateful for them. They keep me young, much more than retinol :D
- You. You were the wind, but you became a shadow as well. You give me depth and keep me nuanced.
- Family. The only “place” where shadow is shade, providing shelter and respite and peace. I am fortunate in having them, being loved by them and being able to love them back.
I am real and I am eternal. The opposite of a shadow-self. Palpable, not virtual.
Words I have used for the past years as mantra to survive and grow. So I shall quote them again for 2022, as I am like the stone: real, eternal, authentic, at peace, warmed by the sun and shaped by the sea, powerful enough to strike and steady enough to build.